Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Im part way to drunk.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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