shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
