Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Randomize
