I heard we made out
I hate all girls vehemently.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
