1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
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