Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Randomize
