You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
