I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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