oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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