These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Ladies don't puke and tell
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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