I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
