I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
