I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
