I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Just pee around me
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
