Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
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