remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
