Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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