Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
it was like eating out sand paper
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
