saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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