I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
