This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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