Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
