my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
