You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
