I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
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