I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
