just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
