Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
