I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
