I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
