I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
