six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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