You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
