im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
