The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
