I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
