I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She bit a glass in half.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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