what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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