The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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