mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
