I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
