You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
