1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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