my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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