I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
