you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
