I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
