I am in a vortex of obligation.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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