I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
