i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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