I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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