dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
