Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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